Friday, August 20, 2010

Deep thoughts for Friday

I feel so blessed. If I would have imagined 15 years ago that this would be the life I would have today, I would worry about nothing, live for the moment, and be more carefree.

My philosophy is just to get through the day, because I have struggled as a full-time working mother. Having to leave the house with my beautiful children in it to go to work 37.5 hours a week leaves me with a feeling of guilt. How important is this -- this what I'm doing at work? Does it really make a difference or an impact in anyone's life? Yet, I am thankful that my kids are home with my husband, whom the kids adore -- as he adores them. My days start very early and they don't stop until I go to bed, generally around 11:30. I long for my bed, where I can snuggle up with my sweet Elise and smell her sweet head. As she wakes, she moves her head, asking for milk without making a peep, and I latch her on and hold her close, so incredibly grateful for this healthy, beautiful daughter -- so similar yet different than her older brother -- yet our moments we share while I nourish her are almost exactly like the moments I shared with Andrew when he was a baby.

Sometimes I do look at my kids with amazement -- I will glance back at Andrew in his carseat and see his beautiful blonde hair, and his eyes lighting up with joy as he dances to the music -- always smiling, always making everyone around him smile -- and I think, how can he be mine? Wow, I am so lucky and so incredibly blessed.

When I'm holding Elise, I look into her beautiful, blue eyes and she is so quick to smile and coo -- I can't believe this sweet, little angel is mine. She is forever and always mine.

The thing that makes me sad -- the thing I don't talk about -- is the fact that someday I will have to leave this earth and leave my beautiful children in it. There is no greater fear and that is why I do not think about it. I can only pray that they are lucky enough to enjoy it and live life to the fullest, with as much innocence as they possess now as carefree children.

My life really is beautiful. I live for the evenings and weekends and although my work weeks can drag on and although every day sometimes feels like a repeat of the previous day, my life -- stable and continuous, is something to feel rich about. My heart swells with joy. I know that my world as I know it is unique and nobody else gets to experience it exactly as I do and that is definitely something to marvel at.

3 comments:

Miracle in the Making said...

xoxo, this made me tear up. Beautiful Sarah :)

365 days with my Nikon said...

Beautiful words!! You are such a sweet and great mama!! I so look up to you for advices even when I dont know you in person you are very wise and your advices are truly what I look for every time I post something! You know, I also think about leaving my kids when ever is my time to go. I am changing my eating habits just to be as healthy as I can be and take care of myself for them! I wish I can be around for ever! =)) Love post!

The Farmers Wife said...

Well said sarah...But know that even those of us mom's that stay home sometimes question wether we are providing the "right" life for our kids...I had to make a big financial sacrifice to stay home, and therefore my kids don't get as much stuff, but I also worry I am depriving my youngest of time with other kids by keeping him out of daycare. The fact that you think about every little experience with your kids shows that you love them, and I really think that is all that matters in the end.