Things that make me mad.

I apologize that some of this may be redundant, as I have mentioned some of it in a prior post. However, I am organizing thoughts in my head and I may as well write it down in hopes of getting past this. Also, I do realize how incredibly blessed I am to have Andrew. I just have always hoped he'd have a sibling.

I am FURIOUS with that midwife. At my appointment, the day before I left for the trip, she measured me and did NOT mention that I was measuring behind (4 weeks behind? You can't tell my my uterus was the size it should have been). She then stated, and I quote, "If you promise you won't cry, we can TRY and hear the heartbeat but there is a VERY small chance--little to none--that we will be able to. I had some girl cry for 4 weeks because we couldn't hear it.". What? First off, we can attempt to hear the heartbeat if I promise not to CRY? Why patronize me? Secondly, at 12 weeks we probably won't hear the heartbeat? I'm sorry, but it is almost always easily heard by doppler at 12 weeks, especially since I'm smaller. Then, when she didn't hear it, she said, "Baby is being stubborn. We will have to wait until the 16 week check-up and try again then". I told her I was going on a week-long vacation, and I really didn't want to worry. She was making notes and 10 minutes later said she could maybe get me in for an ultrasound, but no guarantees. It would be up to the doctor and they might not do it since it's Friday. I'm sorry, but don't you think that any normal doctor would order an ultrasound right then and there if there was no HB found??? I only had to wait an hour, but they got me in. I was still so full of hope, since the midwife gave no indication that anything was wrong.

I get back there, different doc, and she said, "we can do an abdominal one--you're smaller and it should work fine". So they get the wand on my belly and say, "You're not quite as far along as you think; we'll have to do a vaginal one". Um, okay. At this point, I just knew that I had lost the baby. They went in vaginally and I saw the baby, smaller than it should be, no flicker. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat", she tells me. I start crying as she tells me my baby has died, and then I ask how far along it measured. "Around 8 weeks". So, I lost the baby right around Christmas. That week, that Monday, I had my 8 week appointment, at which I still felt sick. I know the baby was okay yet. I asked them to draw my progesterone just to check, and they wouldn't. It was I think ON Christmas Day that I woke up w/o symptoms, but I just thought the m/s went away.

Had I not mentioned the vacation to her, the midwife may not have offered the ultrasound, leaving me to find out the big surprise on my trip with the miscarriage. It just makes me so mad that she was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

I will never know the cause. I will never know if this would have been a boy or a girl. I will never know if this baby would have resembled Andrew.

To top it all off, my DH keeps talking about getting a vasectomy and telling me he's going to make an appointment. He says Andrew was too hard to deal with while on our trip and it made him think that he never wants another one. He said he doesn't want to be stuck inside in this crappy weather for another winter with TWO little ones. All this after he told me we could try again possibly around next fall/winter (the day I found out about the loss). I feel like this was my last chance and now I've lost it. I feel like had they supplemented me with progesterone, I might have kept this baby. I won't ever know for sure though, but the fact that my levels went down from one week to the next scared me, and the clinic treated me like I was crazy.

Fuck me in the ass.