Paranoia

Ah, the joys of early pregnancy. I'm 4 weeks and 3 days, just early enough where the only thing I can do is obsess and pray that things progress nicely. I'm too early to see anything on an ultrasound, hear anything with a doppler, or watch my belly grow. The only thing I can do is continue to test (and I have, 12 times, so far) and temp (to make sure mine stays up there). I didn't used to be this way, but for those of you who have gone through the heartbreak of a loss, or consecutive losses, you know where I am coming from. The rate of miscarriage for someone who has had two or more losses goes up and my "safety net" was taken away after the 2nd one, when I thought I was in the clear at 12 weeks. I had no symptoms that anything was wrong and when we couldn't hear the heartbeat, the midwife offered an ultrasound and I knew right away that s/he had stopped growing. The baby measured 8 weeks, and I had not a clue -- no bleeding or anything.

I cried, and then a few days later, the process began and I healed up and luckily found out I was expecting Elise five months later. And with her, I was very cautious, very scared, knowing I was incredibly blessed to have Andrew but wanting to meet this future baby as well. I knew from my own research that I had a luteal phase defect. I have 24 day cycles with late ovulation, which gives me a short luteal phase (8-9 days on average, but sometimes as short as 5) -- in layman's terms, this means that an embryo does not have time to implant before the next cycle begins and the number one cause of LPD is low progesterone. This was something I brought up to the midwife (not the awesome one I have now, but another one) when I was pregnant with the 2nd one I lost, and I got my levels checked. At first they rose nicely, but then dropped. She did not think it was necessary to supplement progesterone, and 2 weeks later was when that baby stoppped growing.

I have moved on in my mind because without that loss, I wouldn't have my beautiful Elise. But of course, that doesn't change my mentality now. So on Monday I called to see if I could have my Progesterone level checked. My result was 14.8 and they like to see it between 15-20. The nurse said I'm not that low, but under what they like to see, so she did order the Prometrium supplements for me. It doesn't hurt anything to supplement -- it is not guaranteed to help, and it's not a certainty that my numbers wouldn't rise on their own, but why chance it? Especially when I know my own body and am certain, after 2+ years of charting, that I do have low progesterone (which is needed to sustain a pregnancy).

I picked it up last night -- this time I am not doing the pill form, but a (cover your eyes, guys!) suppository -- they are supposed to be more effective that way. I so far am cool with it because when I took the pills, they always made me feel dizzy/drunk and I don't have that this time. I am hopeful they will help.

Until my belly grows or I can hear that heartbeat, I am sure I will obsess a little bit, but hopefully it will gradually become me just enjoying being pregnant and not worrying so much. So that's where I am, in limbo . . . I can test because it eases my mind to see that line get darker (a positive test only tells you that you are pregnant, but those of us in the online "fertility" world know that a line will progressively get darker as the hCG hormone in the blood rises).

Thank you for all the congrats! I am really glad that I have my online friends. I can't talk to my friends in real life about all this and I certainly can't talk to my family (only my mom knows) because I don't want to have to "untell" everyone, but there is such a great support network I have found both through my mommy boards and through Blogger, so I really do thank all of you for being here for me. ♥