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Friday, January 30, 2009

Appointment today...

It went fine. The doctor was surprised (and amazed that I survived) the miscarriage on my vacation. She was surprised because she wasn't aware that my body did it on its own; today we were going to talk about plans for either a D&C or taking the drug to get things moving. She examined me and talked to me for quite awhile. She then had the counselor come in and talk to me (I had mentioned the fact that DH and I were on different pages concerning the lovely permanent surgery he wants to have done). The best thing I can do is go on birth control (I informed her I'm not okay w/hormonal; after 8 years of migraines while on the pill, I enjoyed being headache-free after going off of it--I had 20-25 migraines a month while on the pill). I am going to either actively prevent based on cycle timing and/or use the diaphragm I got after I had Andrew. I will tell DH that at this time, I'd like to use b/c and THEN talk about options in due time. They did confirm that they THINK I would have to consent to a vasectomy, so that's good. DH can't just walk in and get one. I have been told that married couples would have to go through counseling first (a co-worker told me this; she used to work @ my clinic, so not sure if she's 100% correct, but I hope so).

I also had bloodwork drawn. They have this online system that allows patients to access lab results; I got a notification e-mail and clicked into my record. Here's what it said (they tested my iron level and my hemoglobin).

Collect Date: 01/30/2009 12:21
Result: 17 ng/mL
Expected Range: 29-322
Comment: Values between 15-28 ng/mL are borderline

Collect Date: 01/30/2009 12:21
Result: 11.4 g/dl
Expected Range: 11.8-15.1

Wowzahs, if my iron is that low NOW, 9 days after I had the major blood loss, I wonder what it was last Wednesday? I'm sure she'll call me and tell me to get some iron supplements. Or maybe not--maybe they'll just work their way up. I feel fine now; I figured everything would already be back to normal by now as far as my blood goes--just spotting from Saturday through yesterday. Today nothing. If it says I'm borderline, maybe I'm okay for now. Hemoglobin is only slightly under expected range now, but I wonder what THAT was last week? Now I'm thinking that maybe I should have just gone in to a random Florida hospital. What if I would have gotten in a car accident or something? How much blood would I have available to lose before I ran out. Mommy not too 'mart. Thankfully things were fine.

Oh, and by the way--the OB I saw today was the same one who diagnosed my miscarriage. She is awesome and if I am lucky enough for a next time, she will be my doctor. She is SO nice and awesome!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Things that make me mad.

I apologize that some of this may be redundant, as I have mentioned some of it in a prior post. However, I am organizing thoughts in my head and I may as well write it down in hopes of getting past this. Also, I do realize how incredibly blessed I am to have Andrew. I just have always hoped he'd have a sibling.

I am FURIOUS with that midwife. At my appointment, the day before I left for the trip, she measured me and did NOT mention that I was measuring behind (4 weeks behind? You can't tell my my uterus was the size it should have been). She then stated, and I quote, "If you promise you won't cry, we can TRY and hear the heartbeat but there is a VERY small chance--little to none--that we will be able to. I had some girl cry for 4 weeks because we couldn't hear it.". What? First off, we can attempt to hear the heartbeat if I promise not to CRY? Why patronize me? Secondly, at 12 weeks we probably won't hear the heartbeat? I'm sorry, but it is almost always easily heard by doppler at 12 weeks, especially since I'm smaller. Then, when she didn't hear it, she said, "Baby is being stubborn. We will have to wait until the 16 week check-up and try again then". I told her I was going on a week-long vacation, and I really didn't want to worry. She was making notes and 10 minutes later said she could maybe get me in for an ultrasound, but no guarantees. It would be up to the doctor and they might not do it since it's Friday. I'm sorry, but don't you think that any normal doctor would order an ultrasound right then and there if there was no HB found??? I only had to wait an hour, but they got me in. I was still so full of hope, since the midwife gave no indication that anything was wrong.

I get back there, different doc, and she said, "we can do an abdominal one--you're smaller and it should work fine". So they get the wand on my belly and say, "You're not quite as far along as you think; we'll have to do a vaginal one". Um, okay. At this point, I just knew that I had lost the baby. They went in vaginally and I saw the baby, smaller than it should be, no flicker. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat", she tells me. I start crying as she tells me my baby has died, and then I ask how far along it measured. "Around 8 weeks". So, I lost the baby right around Christmas. That week, that Monday, I had my 8 week appointment, at which I still felt sick. I know the baby was okay yet. I asked them to draw my progesterone just to check, and they wouldn't. It was I think ON Christmas Day that I woke up w/o symptoms, but I just thought the m/s went away.

Had I not mentioned the vacation to her, the midwife may not have offered the ultrasound, leaving me to find out the big surprise on my trip with the miscarriage. It just makes me so mad that she was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

I will never know the cause. I will never know if this would have been a boy or a girl. I will never know if this baby would have resembled Andrew.

To top it all off, my DH keeps talking about getting a vasectomy and telling me he's going to make an appointment. He says Andrew was too hard to deal with while on our trip and it made him think that he never wants another one. He said he doesn't want to be stuck inside in this crappy weather for another winter with TWO little ones. All this after he told me we could try again possibly around next fall/winter (the day I found out about the loss). I feel like this was my last chance and now I've lost it. I feel like had they supplemented me with progesterone, I might have kept this baby. I won't ever know for sure though, but the fact that my levels went down from one week to the next scared me, and the clinic treated me like I was crazy.

Fuck me in the ass.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Well, that was quick!

Today I am just barely spotting. I think this process is pretty much done. Wow, so it started Wednesday night and continued through Thursday and Friday. Hmmm...no wonder I felt like I was going to faint on Wednesday! It all came at once!

I am just glad to get to the healing stage and move on. There's nothing I can do to change what happened, and while I am sad, I'm going to try not to dwell. I have my beautiful Andrew who is always making me smile.


Thursday, January 22, 2009


That was a bad night! This is more bleeding than I had after I delivered Andrew. The cramping was pretty bad, but only slightly more painful than my normal AF cramps. Sucketh mucho.

I almost passed out around 2:30 a.m.--suddenly I got really dizzy and everything turned black and my hubby came and checked on me asking if I was okay (I was lying on the floor). I had him Google how much bleeding is normal but I was so close to having him take me to the hospital because I was scared of passing out and not waking up (I am not sure how that happens--like, what does your body do when it decides enough is enough?). It was the first time in my life I seriously thought I might be dying! Panic!

Anyway, after some bad pain and then a few clots, the cramping sort-of went away and now I'm still bleeding quite heavily but not as bad as before (before being running to the bathroom every 10 minutes to release about 1/4 cup of blood--it just peed out of me, so to speak).

Poop. I want to get some sun the next three days, and I certainly know I won't be swimming now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The miscarriage process has begun...

TMI POST, so don't read if you don't want to....

Oh joy. Some really painful cramping (which has worsened throughout the day) and now I'm passing clots. I had to run to the bathroom because I had a gush and it was running down my leg. It was like the amniotic sac must have broken? Weird.

I did NOT want to spend my vacation on the toilet, but right now, I'm soaking a pad every 15 minutes! Please slow down.......ugh.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Do you know what sucks the most?

I didn't even prepare myself for this possibility. I was looking forward to this appointment since I scheduled it 2 months ago. Counting down the days to hear that heartbeat. I could hardly sleep last night because I couldn't wait to wake up and get to my appointment and hear that beautiful sound. I didn't even consider the possibility that I wouldn't. I had no bleeding and nothing out of the ordinary. The only thing I can think of is a fleeting thought in the past week that when I was pregnant with Andrew it felt different. I don't know how to describe it, other than it felt different.


In other news, we just checked into our hotel in Milwaukee. It's very nice! It has a kitchenette. I can't say we've ever stayed in a hotel with a fridge, microwave, dishwasher, and stovetop with not just one, but TWO burners! Honestly, who do they think they're kidding...we forgot the Stovetop stuffing and mashed potatoes, I guess! ;) Seriously though, this would be a nice place to stay if you were here on business for a few days or a week.

We don't fly out until 1:00 tomorrow, so we have time to enjoy the continental breakfast and laze around a little. The shuttle is taking us to the aeropuerto at 10:55. Don't ask why I threw in some Spanish there. Heh.

Oh, and my brother-in-law took his family to Mexico this week and today was the first day they saw the sun since Monday! They had a day-and-a-half of rain, and then clouds. He said we'll probably have nicer weather in Florida!

LOL, my hubby just said, "We're in one of the ghettoest cities in the country right now". No gunshots yet, so I think we're good.

Andrew is walking around the room like he's King. He sat on the couch, he inspected the bathroom, and is just basically exploring. How cute!

Life is so unfair...

The midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so she asked me if I'd like a viability ultrasound, to which I answered yes. I had to wait an hour, and when they put the wand on my belly and said, "You're not quite as far along as you thought, so we'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound". I knew. I knew something was wrong. I am supposed to be 11 weeks and 5 days today; I was charting and knew my very ovulation date along with implantation date. I went in the bathroom to empty my bladder and I was in there saying, "Not good...not good....something's wrong". Sure enough, they got the probe in there and no heartbeat. The doctor said, "I'm sorry. Your baby has died". With tears in my eyes I asked how far along it measured and she said around 8 weeks...which makes sense and all; 8 weeks was when I stopped having morning sickness. I was supposed to be 12 weeks on Sunday.

At least if/when we try again in the future, the medical staff will take me seriously when I demand to be supplemented on Progesterone, as I asked when my numbers dropped. They told me it was normal and nothing to worry about. I don't know if that's what caused my loss for sure, but they certainly could have offered me the supplement to be on the safe side. Instead they treated me like I was being a worrywart. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I should have insisted. Me and my stupid, "Gee shucks, you're right" Wisconsin nice-girl attitude.

I stopped by my work and handed my boss the doctor's slip and pointed to the word, "Miscarriage" and said, "That...I have to be gone the rest of the day", and he was great about it. He wasn't aware I was pregnant, but I could tell from the way he looked at me that he had all the sympathy in the world for me. I left some instructions because I had 3 post-hires coming today at 2:00 to meet with me and do paperwork/drugscreen/TB testing. Boss said he'd take care of calling them for me to cancel. I finally cried when I got out to the car. I drove the whole way home thinking how life is so unfair. I thought everything was fine. How wrong I was proven. That image of that baby on the screen without a heartbeat sticks in my head. I had so many hopes and dreams; yes, I was still technically "early" but I let my guard down a couple weeks ago when I was still trucking along.

The next step for me is to go in after my vacation and either have a D&C or take Cytotec and let things happen. I'm just going to think it over and see. I'll probably have a D&C because if it's been sitting in there for almost 4 weeks now and nothing has happened, I may just go that route.
Off to Florida tomorrow where I can hopefully have a peaceful vacation with my family and maybe? take my mind off things.

Thanks again; if you read all this!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

We recovered from the GI bug...

Well, Andrew did. On Tuesday night, I went in to check on him around midnight. He was breathing really fast so I figured he was having a nightmare or something. A little while later he woke up and I picked him up out of his crib to find him burning hot. Oh no! A fever. So I bring him by me in bed and was about to offer him some milk when he starts making noises--the kind of noises one makes before vomiting. So I ran into the bathroom with him and he threw up all over the floor. The poor thing has never vomited, so he didn't know what the heck was happening! He started crying. I called for my hubby to come in and help me, and he cleaned up the mess while I got Andrew out of his jammies (there was puke on them and they were the thick fleece ones, so I wanted to get him into something a little cooler anyway).

I cleaned him up and brought him back in the bed. He just laid there, breathing fast and his eyes kind of rolled around as he drifted back to sleep (eventually--it took about 45 minutes).

He didn't throw up anymore! I offered him boo juice whenever he woke up (but he woke up less than he normally does in a night). Mommy's magic milk is the best because it counts as a clear liquid (I had to correct a know-it-all nurse at my work who said, "that's the worst thing to give; he'll throw it all up". Nu-uh lady, breastmilk is not the same thing as cow's milk; in fact, many pediatricians agree that breastmilk is the best thing to give for a stomach flu).

Anyway, yesterday the fever persisted, but he didn't thow up anymore. Last night he was still a little warm, and he awoke probably 4 times to snack, but this morning the fever is gone.

:) I am so happy this happened BEFORE Florida rather than while we're down there--or worse, on the plane!

Send me some "STAY HEALTHY" vibes so I don't get this!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Photoblog!!! New pics of the dragon...

Andrew enjoying nectarines and kiwis. He picked out the nectarines and I found the kiwis on the floor. Gotta try new fruit with him, not knowing what he'll like!

His beautiful blonde hair in all its glory! Do you all remember playing with those troll dolls when you were little? Andrew's hair is the same texture as that. It is so incredibly fine and fluffy. Hehe...

He is watching one of his DVDs in this pic.

This was one of those moments where I had to laugh and grab the camera before helping him. He got his sippy cup stuck in the base of the birds' cages. All he had to do was pull up a little, but he thought it was stuck for goood!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Let this week go by fast!

Friday at 8:30 a.m. I go in for my first appointment with my midwife. I've met her before because my doctor was on vacation last time around when I was pregnant with Andrew, so I was put with the midwife for one of my check-ups. She was really nice and really thorough--a huge difference from my doctor (whom I adore, but he would go really fast through the appointment and never tell me what the beats per minute were for the baby, which I really wanted to know). This midwife sat down with me and really did a thorough job, so that's why the choice was easy this time around.

Anyway, we'll get to hear the heartbeat--hopefully. I need some good vibes--I'm a little nervous, as this is my first "real" confirmation since my HPTs.

In other news, we leave the very next day for Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. We are flying, all three of us. We have a hotel booked in Hollywood, FL which is pretty near Ft. Lauderdale. The hotel is on the beach, so hopefully the weather is nice. We will be there for 3 nights, then we're heading further south to the Keys for a few days, then back up to Ft. Lauderdale area. We'll be there from Saturday the 17th through Sunday the 24th. Right now the forecast is calling for cooler than normal temps, so my hubby is watching the weather models like a hawk. Cooler than normal is upper 60s and 70s for that area, which will still be nice than the weather here. We are predicted to barely make it above zero this week. Ay-carumba!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The final teething session...

Andrew has been working on his 2 year molars for over a week now. I *think* the bottom ones are mostly all the way in. He won't let me look at the top of his mouth, and it's so far back that it's hard to see. Teething = lots of drool = gross diapers (and we do cloth, so that's a lot of extra cleaning for Mommy). I will be so glad when this is done!