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Friday, January 16, 2009

Life is so unfair...

The midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so she asked me if I'd like a viability ultrasound, to which I answered yes. I had to wait an hour, and when they put the wand on my belly and said, "You're not quite as far along as you thought, so we'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound". I knew. I knew something was wrong. I am supposed to be 11 weeks and 5 days today; I was charting and knew my very ovulation date along with implantation date. I went in the bathroom to empty my bladder and I was in there saying, "Not good...not good....something's wrong". Sure enough, they got the probe in there and no heartbeat. The doctor said, "I'm sorry. Your baby has died". With tears in my eyes I asked how far along it measured and she said around 8 weeks...which makes sense and all; 8 weeks was when I stopped having morning sickness. I was supposed to be 12 weeks on Sunday.

At least if/when we try again in the future, the medical staff will take me seriously when I demand to be supplemented on Progesterone, as I asked when my numbers dropped. They told me it was normal and nothing to worry about. I don't know if that's what caused my loss for sure, but they certainly could have offered me the supplement to be on the safe side. Instead they treated me like I was being a worrywart. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I should have insisted. Me and my stupid, "Gee shucks, you're right" Wisconsin nice-girl attitude.

I stopped by my work and handed my boss the doctor's slip and pointed to the word, "Miscarriage" and said, "That...I have to be gone the rest of the day", and he was great about it. He wasn't aware I was pregnant, but I could tell from the way he looked at me that he had all the sympathy in the world for me. I left some instructions because I had 3 post-hires coming today at 2:00 to meet with me and do paperwork/drugscreen/TB testing. Boss said he'd take care of calling them for me to cancel. I finally cried when I got out to the car. I drove the whole way home thinking how life is so unfair. I thought everything was fine. How wrong I was proven. That image of that baby on the screen without a heartbeat sticks in my head. I had so many hopes and dreams; yes, I was still technically "early" but I let my guard down a couple weeks ago when I was still trucking along.

The next step for me is to go in after my vacation and either have a D&C or take Cytotec and let things happen. I'm just going to think it over and see. I'll probably have a D&C because if it's been sitting in there for almost 4 weeks now and nothing has happened, I may just go that route.
Off to Florida tomorrow where I can hopefully have a peaceful vacation with my family and maybe? take my mind off things.

Thanks again; if you read all this!


Rachel said...

Oh no. My heart hurts for you. I will keep you in my thoughts. ♥ you.

Kaci said...

I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

rocket.queen. said...

Don't do the D&C! I dunno if you have had one before, but it is awful and recovery from it sucks. I wish I had been informed enough after our miscarriage to ask to skip the D&C.

My heart is breaking for you, sweets. I am so sorry. Life is definitely not fair and good people suffer so needlessly. ((hugs))

Catie said...

I'm so sorry honey. I wish there was something I could do for you. I hate that this has to happen so such a wonderful woman and mother.

nancy said...

Oh no. I am so very sorry. And don't blame yourself, progesterone was not the culprit at 8 weeks. and if it was, you would have experienced the bleeding from not enough prog. Definitely get it next time for peace of mind, but you did not cause this by not making them give it to you.

Oh Sarah, ~hugs~ from the other side of the world. I hope you allow your heart to feel what it needs on your trip to florida.

Sarah said...

Thank you, ladies. Your support means so much to me as very few people in real life knew we were even expecting.

You guys are my support group!

Thanks for the tip, rocket queen. I may just let things go naturally.

Birdee said...

OMG Sarah - I just read this, I'm so so sorry hunny, oh my heart hurst so bad for you.

Please try not to blame your self, I know it's hard and probably part of the process, but it's not your fault. It's just not.

You are in my thought's and prayers hun, please take care of your self, I hope your vacation can give you some peace and relaxation.