Life is so unfair...

The midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so she asked me if I'd like a viability ultrasound, to which I answered yes. I had to wait an hour, and when they put the wand on my belly and said, "You're not quite as far along as you thought, so we'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound". I knew. I knew something was wrong. I am supposed to be 11 weeks and 5 days today; I was charting and knew my very ovulation date along with implantation date. I went in the bathroom to empty my bladder and I was in there saying, "Not good...not good....something's wrong". Sure enough, they got the probe in there and no heartbeat. The doctor said, "I'm sorry. Your baby has died". With tears in my eyes I asked how far along it measured and she said around 8 weeks...which makes sense and all; 8 weeks was when I stopped having morning sickness. I was supposed to be 12 weeks on Sunday.

At least if/when we try again in the future, the medical staff will take me seriously when I demand to be supplemented on Progesterone, as I asked when my numbers dropped. They told me it was normal and nothing to worry about. I don't know if that's what caused my loss for sure, but they certainly could have offered me the supplement to be on the safe side. Instead they treated me like I was being a worrywart. Damnit, damnit, damnit. I should have insisted. Me and my stupid, "Gee shucks, you're right" Wisconsin nice-girl attitude.

I stopped by my work and handed my boss the doctor's slip and pointed to the word, "Miscarriage" and said, "That...I have to be gone the rest of the day", and he was great about it. He wasn't aware I was pregnant, but I could tell from the way he looked at me that he had all the sympathy in the world for me. I left some instructions because I had 3 post-hires coming today at 2:00 to meet with me and do paperwork/drugscreen/TB testing. Boss said he'd take care of calling them for me to cancel. I finally cried when I got out to the car. I drove the whole way home thinking how life is so unfair. I thought everything was fine. How wrong I was proven. That image of that baby on the screen without a heartbeat sticks in my head. I had so many hopes and dreams; yes, I was still technically "early" but I let my guard down a couple weeks ago when I was still trucking along.

The next step for me is to go in after my vacation and either have a D&C or take Cytotec and let things happen. I'm just going to think it over and see. I'll probably have a D&C because if it's been sitting in there for almost 4 weeks now and nothing has happened, I may just go that route.
Off to Florida tomorrow where I can hopefully have a peaceful vacation with my family and maybe? take my mind off things.

Thanks again; if you read all this!